fat on the brain
once:
a doctor diagnosed me by saying
“you have some fat on the brain”
and i was so overtaken
by dumbassery
i sat with it:
i have fat on the brain
i have fat on the brain
i have fat on the brain
whenever i’m in your office
you ask me my weight
i say the same number
from the last time i ever looked at a scale
so you decide to play judge
you want to sentence me to death by fat
so i reveal why i’m scared of your courtroom:
i don't know what i weigh
because the knowing was the true murderer,
would you like to be the accomplice?
you charge me with murder in the first degree
you say it’s because i had intent to harm with
no regard for human life
i say:
everything i do
is because i care about my own life
am i not a human?
whose wellbeing are you truly worried about?
i have fat on the brain
because i am prideful
because i refuse to be anything but number one
even though i am sixteen times that
so i compensate with my self-expression,
i contemplate on how to perform a smaller aura,
a thinner energy,
a slim seduction;
because isn’t it funny
how the largest of spaces are reserved for
the smallest of bodies?
delicateness
is only afforded to those whose bodies
are deemed delicate and i am pesky in my sturdiness,
i am firm in my rounded robustness
but empathy is limited
the unspoken rule is that the smaller the bodies
the more of them can fit in that limited space
then i am left with the lean leftovers of love
so it is no wonder that
i have fat on the brain
each time i meet a skinny person exactly like me.
if i am cushioned by skin then they
use the extra space to cushion themselves
with adoration
they cushion themselves with people’s grace
they cushion themselves with everything
i want:
i want metamorphosis.
i want to shed my skin seven times over
not out of self-hatred, just for the experience:
the experience of being desired and to desire without shame
the experience of ease, the lack of humility
the experience of cluelessness as to who is carrying the weight of living for you
i’d be surprised if anything stayed the same if i didn’t
have fat in my veins.